Dead Personality

A play by Sarah Nieukirk

Dead Personality

Cast

Rich Bitch____The Tall One

Sir Gay____The Short One

Kernel Nut____The Old One

Sir Bastard____The Young One

Spoiled Gurl____The Pretty One

Miss Fortune &

?____The Insane One

Mr. Corpse____Allen the Head

(Everyone except Sir Gay is sitting. Sir Gay walks in, and Rich Bitch gets up to greet him)

Rich Bitch: Thank you for joining us, Sir Gay.

Sir Gay: Of course, Lady Bitch. I wouldn't miss your birthday for anything. (Under his breath) Especially when you offer money.

Rich Bitch: Yes. Yes. Now meet the rest of my guests. (She gestures to the group. They stand up and pose when their name is called) This is Kernel Nut, Sir Bastard, Mr. Corpse, Miss Fortune, and the famous influencer Spoiled Gurl.

Miss Fortune: (flirting) Are you the famous Sir Guy?

Sir Gay: Actually, I'm Gay.

Miss Fortune: (disappointed) Oh.

Spoiled Gurl: (said to her phone) What's up my mindless minions! We're here at this party for them dollar bills! (Points her phone at Rich Bitch) Let me know in the comments who you think this old crone will give her money, aaannd don't forget to subscribe and HIT that notification bell! DING! DING!

Rich Bitch: (pushes Spoiled Gurl's phone away) Yes! As Spoiled Gurl said, this party is to celebrate my life and to decide who will inherit my money. For this, I have arranged a challenge. Someone in this room will kill me—

Sir Bastard: HOW DID YOU KNOW!?

(Everyone looks at Sir Bastard, and he slowly slinks down. Rich Bitch continues, eyeing Sir Bastard)

Rich Bitch: As I was saying, someone will kill me, and the one who catches the killer will win my fortune! Now let the games begin!

(The lights go out, and a scream is heard. The lights come on, and Miss Fortune is dead. Sir Gay confusingly rubs his right fist in pain. Rich Bitch is pretending to be dead)

Kernel Nut: Great googly moogly! What happened?

Sir Gay: (checking for a pulse) she's dead!--

Spoiled Gurl: Bummer. (Takes a selfie with the body)

Sir Gay: – and one of you are the killer!

Sir Bastard: It wasn't me.

Sir Gay: That has yet to be decided! Now, everyone give me an account of your whereabouts. Sir Bastard: We've only been in this room.

Kernel Nut: This cracker Jack thinks he's an Ace Ventura. He'll lead us from the pan into the fire, and the killer will only need to butter us.

Spoiled Gurl: I have no idea what you said, but this guy is definitely whack. (Speaking to her phone) If one of my minions would call the cops, that would be totes great! RING! RING! Sir Gay: The police will not arrive until it is too late. But never fear, for I Sir Gay will catch the killer. This perpetrator may have us in the dark, but I will cast the light on their deception. And darkness will fall on their bloodlust.

(The lights go out and come back on. Rich Bitch is in a different position, still pretending to be dead. Everyone but Sir Gay look around in confusion.)

Sir Bastard: Nothing happened.

Sir Gay: On the contrary, Mr. Corpse has become a corpse.

(Everyone looks at Mr. Corpse)

Kernel Nut: He looks the same to me.

Sir Gay: True, but if you give a slight tug. (He pulls Mr. Corpse's head by the hair. His head comes off. Sir Bastard licks his lips)

Spoiled Gurl: I'm gonna be sick. (To her phone) Let me know in the comments below if ya guys seen worse. DING! DING!

Sir Gay: Don't despair. The killer may think he is ahead, but he has made a mistake. One just has to look. (He picks up a drink) Miss Fortune was beaten to death with a blunt object, and Mr.

Corpse was beheaded. (He hands the drink to Sir Bastard, and Sir Bastard hands it to Kernel Nut) The killings only happen when the lights are–

(Kernel Nut takes a drink. He holds his throat as he collapse to the ground. There is a needle in his back. Everyone is shocked)

Spoiled Gurl: Aren't the lights supposed to go out?

(The lights go out and come back on. Sir Bastard is dead, laying on Kernel Nut. Rich Bitch is in the same position, but snoring can be heard from her)

Spoiled Gurl: Like what happened?!

Sir Gay: During the last blackout, the killer tried to take Kernel Nut along with Mr. Corpse. Our murderer injected Kernel Nut with poison. Unfortunately for him, he forgot that poison has to be ingested not injected. Luckily though, Kernel Nut has a nut allergy, and he just had a sip of Lady Bitch’s famous Nutmeg Tea.

Spoiled Gurl: Is nutmeg a nut?

Sir Gay: It has nut in the name.

Spoiled Gurl: What about Sir Bastard?

Sir Gay: Sir Bastard is know for his cannibalism problem, and how could he resist such fresh meat? With the poison injected into the body, Sir Bastard just had to take a bite. It was his last meal.

Spoiled Gurl: That just leaves the two of us. You're the killer! (Lifting her phone) Sir Gay was the killer, my mindless minions! He was totally sus! Someone call the cops!

Sir Gay: You can drop the charade. You are the killer.

(The lights go out and come back on. Spoiled Gurl is dead. Sir Gay’s right hand is behind his back)

Sir Gay: How can this be?! I was so sure. (Spots Spoiled Gurl's phone and picks it up) Perhaps this will shed some light.

(Sir Gay plays the video. Spoiled Gurl's voice can be heard)

Spoiled Gurl: (crying) The lights just went out, and I think I'm next. I leave my house to my dog Bling-Bling! I leave all of my money to my subscribers. Thank you for supporting me. Don't forget to leave a like and hit that notification bell.

?: (Mickey mouse on steroids) DING! DING! (The video ends)

Sir Gay: But who is the killer?!

?: You know who the killer is.

(Sir Gay reveals his right hand from his back. On his hand is a puppet)

Sir Gay: No!

?: Yes! Who else could have done it? Who else has their hand hurt from bashing in Miss Fortune’s skull? Who else knew that Mr. Corpse was beheaded? Who else could have handed their drink to Kernel Nut? Who else could remember that influencer’s annoying catchphrase? It was you all along. And now, Sir Guy, it is your turn.

Sir Gay: But I'm Gay.

?: Not anymore.

(The puppet leaps for Sir Gay’s neck, strangling him. The lights go out and come back on. Everyone but Rich Bitch is dead. Rich Bitch wakes herself up with her snoring)

Rich Bitch: Huh? What? Well, time is up. Now, who is the kill– (looks at the dead bodies) Drat! That's the third birthday party this week!

Fin